theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
