Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My hand turned me down
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
