god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
