Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
