Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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