My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
