you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
