I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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