shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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