So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
