He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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