i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
