Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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