i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
