Your mouth is God's brothel.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
