Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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