Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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