I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
