i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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