Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
