his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
