I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
