she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
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We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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