he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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