the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
