his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
