i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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