Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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