The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
