Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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