Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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