Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
