Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
