I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
