my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
