we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
