I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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