my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
