She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Randomize
