She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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