you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
