I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
