Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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