Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
