you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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