Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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