3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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