we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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