Only a mothe r could love this liver
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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