when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
