first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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