I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
