he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
