Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
