Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
