Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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