I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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