Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
